Robert Song & Doowad have both been fans of the Onion's "funny because it's true" news parodies for years. After a sharing back and forth on Facebook last year, they decided to make a musical homage to this fine American periodical, inspired by each other's picks as well as the stories themselves. They were hoping to avoid US politics since the Onion tends to spout universal truths, but in an election year, it proved a topic impossible to avoid.
Disk 1
Doowad
01 The Even Dozen Jug Band - Evolution Mama
Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain
Darwinic pilgrims claim the image fills them with an overwhelming feeling of logic.
DAYTON, TN—A steady stream of devoted evolutionists continued to gather in this small Tennessee town today to witness what many believe is an image of Charles Darwin—author of The Origin Of Species and founder of the modern evolutionary movement—made manifest on a concrete wall in downtown Dayton.
"I brought my baby to touch the wall, so that the power of Darwin can purify her genetic makeup of undesirable inherited traits," said Darlene Freiberg, one among a growing crowd assembled here to see the mysterious stain, which appeared last Monday on one side of the Rhea County Courthouse. The building was also the location of the famed "Scopes Monkey Trial" and is widely considered one of Darwinism's holiest sites. "Forgive me, O Charles, for ever doubting your Divine Evolution. After seeing this miracle of limestone pigmentation with my own eyes, my faith in empirical reasoning will never again be tested."
Added Freiberg, "Behold the power and glory of the scientific method!"
Since witnesses first reported the unexplained marking—which appears to resemble a 19th-century male figure with a high forehead and large beard—this normally quiet town has become a hotbed of biological zealotry. Thousands of pilgrims from as far away as Berkeley's paleoanthropology department have flocked to the site to lay wreaths of flowers, light devotional candles, read aloud from Darwin's works, and otherwise pay homage to the mysterious blue-green stain.
Capitalizing on the influx of empirical believers, street vendors have sprung up across Dayton, selling evolutionary relics and artwork to the thousands of pilgrims waiting to catch a glimpse of the image. Available for sale are everything from small wooden shards alleged to be fragments of the "One True Beagle"—the research vessel on which Darwin made his legendary voyage to the Galapagos Islands—to lecture notes purportedly touched by English evolutionist Alfred Russel Wallace.
"I have never felt closer to Darwin's ideas," said zoologist Fred Granger, who waited in line for 16 hours to view the stain. "May his name be praised and his theories on natural selection echo in all the halls of naturalistic observation forever."
Despite the enthusiasm the so-called "Darwin Smudge" has generated among the evolutionary faithful, disagreement remains as to its origin. Some believe the image is actually closer to the visage of Stephen Jay Gould, longtime columnist for Natural History magazine and originator of the theory of punctuated equilibrium, and is therefore proof of rapid cladogenesis. A smaller minority contend it is the face of Carl Sagan, and should be viewed as a warning to those nonbelievers who have not yet seen his hit PBS series Cosmos: A Personal Voyage.
Still others have attempted to discredit the miracle entirely, claiming that there are several alternate explanations for the appearance of the unexplained discoloration.
"It's a stain on a wall, and nothing more," said the Rev. Clement McCoy, a professor at Oral Roberts University and prominent opponent of evolutionary theory. "Anything else is the delusional fantasy of a fanatical evolutionist mindset that sees only what it wishes to see in the hopes of validating a baseless, illogical belief system. I only hope these heretics see the error of their ways before our Most Powerful God smites them all in His vengeance."
But those who have made the long journey to Dayton remain steadfast in their belief that natural selection—a process by which certain genes are favored over others less conducive to survival—is the one and only creator of life as we know it. This stain, they claim, is the proof they have been waiting for.
"To those who would deny that genetic drift is responsible for a branching evolutionary tree of increasing biodiversity amid changing ecosystems, we say, 'Look upon the face of Darwin!'" said Jeanette Cosgrove, who, along with members of her microbiology class, has maintained a candlelight vigil at the site for the past 72 hours.
"Over millions of successive generations, a specific subvariant of one species of slime mold adapted to this particular concrete wall, in order to one day form this stain, and thus make manifest this vision of Darwin's glorious countenance," Cosgrove said, overcome with emotion.
"It's a miracle," she added.
Robert Song
02 Mighty Sparrow - Philip My Dear
Queen Elizabeth Annoyed Nude Pictures Of Prince Harry Don't Show Anything Good
LONDON—Expressing her annoyance after nude photographs of her grandson Prince Harry of Wales surfaced on Hollywood celebrity website TMZ this week, Queen Elizabeth II announced today that she is highly disappointed the grainy shots don’t show anything good. “In one [photo] he’s basically just bending over this girl, and all you can see is his ass crack,” the British monarch said at a news conference outside Buckingham Palace, noting that she spent two hours yesterday searching for uncensored versions of the images online. “In the other one he’s cupping his dick to the point where you can’t even see any pubes. It was barely enough to get me wet.” At press time, sources reported that while she was initially underwhelmed by the photos, the queen had since taken another look and experienced her first orgasm in decades.
Doowad03 Betty White - I’d Rather Not Have Oral Sex
CDC Study Finds Decrease In Oral Sex Among Teens When Researchers Are Observing
HYATTSVILLE, MD—A new study released Thursday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that although the number of U.S. teens having oral sex remained high, the rate was considerably lower when scientific researchers were openly observing them. "When teenagers were by themselves, with nobody from the scientific community in the same room with them closely watching their sexual behavior, our findings indicate that 47 percent of them engaged in oral sex," CDC spokesman Miles Dalton told reporters during a press conference. "However, when the adolescents were being watched by researchers, that number dropped as low as 3 percent. Moreover, when scientists, clipboard in hand, told the teenagers that they wouldn't mind at all or be offended if they began having oral sex right there in front of them, that number rose only slightly to a still very low 5 percent." According to Dalton, the rate of teenagers willing to engage in anal sex while alone or while being observed by scientists was, in both cases, 89 percent.
Robert Song
04 XTC - The Smartest Monkeys
Scientists Teach Chimpanzee To Conduct 3-Year Study On Primates
Mokoko, a female chimpanzee, is now able to analyze in-depth data charts on chimpanzee behavior.
SEATTLE—In what the scientific community has hailed as a breakthrough achievement, zoologists have succeeded for the first time ever in training a chimpanzee to carry out a rigorous three-year study of primate behavior.
Researchers at the University of Washington reported Thursday that Mokoko, a 7-year-old chimpanzee in the school's animal cognition laboratory, has learned to make systematic observations and collect data on other chimpanzees, conducting experiments with no assistance from human scientists.
"We're excited Mokoko has learned to do research and really, really hoping she'll continue to turn in thorough, dependable primate studies," said Professor David Indela, who heads the lab. "Her impressive spatial reasoning skills and aptitude for problem solving make her well-suited to the work of a scientist. Her sign language is exceptional, too, whether she's indicating that an experiment is methodologically unsound or simply asking for more peanut butter and apple sauce."
Noting that chimps share more than 96 percent of our genetic code, Indela said he long ago became curious as to whether the animals could be taught to engage in behaviors typically considered the exclusive terrain of Homo sapiens, such as designing studies that further our understanding of chimpanzee behavior, applying complex statistical models to data on chimpanzees, and even filling out paperwork to ensure compliance with the Animal Welfare Act.
Scientists say Mokoko's lab work is still in need of slight improvement.
According to her caretakers, Mokoko's training initially focused on the simplest research tasks—for example, the scientists began by rewarding her with fruit juice each time she successfully taught chimpanzees to press a series of buttons by rewarding them with fruit juice.
"Once Mokoko was competent enough to conduct an in-depth, hands-on study by herself, we taught her how to delegate the more routine tasks to undergraduate assistants," Indela said. "This allowed her to devote more time to her other responsibilities, which now include applying for supplemental grant money from the National Institutes of Health, attending academic conferences, and teaching an introductory lecture course on primate psychology every semester."
"I'm proud to say Mokoko has now given us a decent little paper on chimpanzee behavior that I'm hoping I can publish in one of the major journals," he continued.
Indela's colleagues confirmed Mokoko has even become adept at the higher-order reasoning skills required to navigate departmental politics and keep their tenure board placated.
While the pressure to publish has reportedly been a source of stress for Mokoko in recent weeks, causing the chimpanzee to smash laboratory equipment and climb up her swinging rope to the most remote part of her habitat, Indela said he still believes she has a great career ahead of her.
"Conceivably, chimpanzees may be able to perform human tasks that allow them to dress us every morning, drive us to work, and even do our laundry and income taxes for us," said Indela, emphasizing that, in theory, the animals could perform each of these tasks while wearing little chimpanzee-sized shirts and hats. "The possible applications for this research are truly very exciting."
The project has drawn widespread praise from most scientists, despite recent criticism in a letter to the journalNature written by an orangutan whom Harvard University primatologists have trained to denounce colleagues' studies on ethical grounds.
Doowad
05 Spacemen 3 - Feelin' Just Fine (Head Full of Shit)
Study: Pretending Everything's Okay Works
CAMBRIDGE, MA—A study released Thursday by researchers at Harvard University's Department of Psychology has found that the simple act of pretending one's life is not a complete shambles threatening to collapse at any moment works. "Even when everything is coming apart at the seams and disaster is almost certainly imminent, putting up a good front for friends and loved ones makes everything better," said Professor Christine Wanamaker, who explained that smiling a lot and evasive answers were usually enough to get by. "Tell everyone that things are fine, and they will be fine. Just don't over-think it." When asked about her study's methodology, Wanamaker said the research was rock-solid, had been looked over by a bunch of scientists, and definitely wasn't anything to worry about.
Robert Song
06 Ian Brown - Dolphins Were Monkeys
Study Reveals Dolphins Lack Capacity To Mock Celebrity Culture
Two supposedly intelligent, perceptive marine mammals.
GALVESTON, TX—A study conducted by marine biologists at Texas A&M University has found that bottlenose dolphins, long thought to be among the most intelligent members of the animal kingdom, are "utterly incapable" of pointing out the flaws of celebrities and knocking them down a peg or two.
According to a paper published last week in the journal Science, when presented with photos of music, TV, and film personalities, dolphins failed on every occasion to mock the well-known public figures, missing countless opportunities to take mean-spirited potshots at their hair, past romantic partners, or breast implants.
"Frankly, this is shocking," said Professor Michael Hodges, lead author of the study. "Given their impressive brain-to-body ratio, we believed dolphins would be capable of trashing Lady Gaga, or at the very least, succeed in rolling their eyes at Kendra Wilkinson's post-baby weight gain. Instead, all we observed were blank, snarkless stares."
"Apparently these creatures aren't as highly evolved as we had thought," he added.
Test subjects confounded researchers by acting as if they didn't even know who Miley Cyrus is.
Though analysis of MRI scans indicates dolphins possess self-awareness and the ability to form abstract thoughts, the study found the animals completely unable to comment ironically after being shown candid photographs of Hollywood power couples in their running gear.
Even when presented with softballs like production stills from The Proposal, the marine animals exhibited no discernable reaction.
"In one trial, Tursiops truncatus specimens were shown pictures of Renée Zellweger in two dresses, one stunning and one hideous," said neurobiologist Anne Gross, who helped conduct the experiment. "Not only did a disappointing 88 percent fail to respond in any way, but 100 percent completely missed the chance to call her a squirrel-face or ask whether the things dangling from her ears were supposed to be jewelry or some sort of fucked-up preschool art project."
"And for an animal that prowls the world's warm, shallow coastlines, we found the bottlenose to be surprisingly ignorant about which beach bods were fab or flab," Gross continued.
Dolphins also fared poorly on assessments of emotional aptitude, scoring lower than chimpanzees on the In Touchquotient test, which measures an animal's ability to cruelly mock Kate Gosselin's performance on Dancing With The Stars in a sad attempt to feel better about one's own boring life.
The A&M team had hoped to build on recent breakthroughs in the field of cetacean celebrity ridicule, most notably a 2004 Japanese study in which scientists claimed to observe a sarcastic resemblance between the prolonged moans of a humpback whale and the muscular baritone featured on Michael McDonald's recording of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough."
"The literature suggested a potential for snide mimicry in aquatic mammals, so when one of our dolphins downed 40 pounds of fish in a single feeding, we thought it could very well be some kind of Kirstie Alley impersonation," said Gross, pausing for several minutes as she pulled up data from her laptop. "Furthermore, oh my God, look at this: TMZ is reporting that Jessica Simpson is addicted to nicotine gum. What a fat bimbo."
The researchers suffered their greatest setback when a young female bottlenose, who on multiple occasions had refused to simulate vomiting when exposed to multiple Rob Schneider films, chose to isolate herself at the far end of the tank and pass her time solving logic puzzles.
Regardless of these difficulties, Professor Hodges vowed to carry on with his research.
"We know that dolphins use complex communication systems and possess a large neocortex more intricate than our own," Hodges said. "It's entirely possible they've developed petty new forms of below-the-belt star- bashing we haven't even conceived of yet."
Added Hodges, "That's what keeps me going."
At press time, Hodges remained unaware of the dolphins' ongoing discussions of how socially constructed concepts of celebrity distort public discourse and undermine cultural progress, because he lacks the ability to communicate telepathically.
Doowad
07 Otis Grove - Pimp Juice
Haven’t We All Done Steroids, In A Way?
There are many people who have tried to judge my actions, to label me as disgraceful or unethical. Time and again, I’ve had to endure the harassment of the media and the average sports fan, who act as though I’ve done something so outside the bounds of human decency as to defy logic or explanation. Yet I think, if we are all honest we each other, we could agree this is far from the case. For, really, haven’t we all, each and every one of us, ritually abused steroids, in a sense?
I ask again: Is there a single person among us who has not, in one way or another, become obscenely rich and successful through the repeated use of performance-enhancing drugs?
You see, no human being is perfect. That is not to say we are not capable of acts of great virtue, but at the end of the day, I think you would be hard-pressed to find someone who hasn’t succumbed to the perfectly natural urge to trick their colleagues and the entire world into thinking they won seven Tour de France titles honestly. Surely at some point in our lives, all of us have lied to the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency about our repeated use of illicit drugs. Surely we are not so hypocritical as to deny that much.
As people, we are united by our shared experiences. We all live, breathe, fall in love, take steroids, lie to anti-doping officials, make indignant public denials about steroids, cry, achieve dizzying levels of fame and success by continuing to use steroids, laugh. Deep down, that is how we are, and we’re stuck with it.
Obviously, nobody is proud of systematically manipulating the American people into thinking their spectacular athletic triumphs were legitimate when, in reality, they owe every last one of those victories to the use of illegal chemicals. But no one ought to be ashamed of it, either, for all of us have done it, whether by condemning honest journalists as liars, hypocritically firing our personal trainer Michele Ferrari for becoming too closely associated with steroids, or simply denouncing all investigations against us as “a pitiful charade.”
I used steroids. You used steroids. Your friends and coworkers used steroids. Your children have all used steroids. President Obama has used steroids. Show me someone who claims they haven’t used steroids, and I will show you a liar.
So yes, I am a fallible person who has injected special substances into my body in pursuit of professional glory. Just like you, I abused the drugs cortisone, testosterone, and EPO, among many, many others, in order to win an unprecedented number of international bicycle races. Just like your parents and their parents before them, my shameless deception helped me become one of the most celebrated athletes in the world.
But does that mean I should be humiliated, made a pariah, treated as a criminal?
No. It merely means that I am a human being. A human being with a real, living, beating heart. A heart that circulates an unnatural, chemically stimulated number of red blood cells through my veins in order to achieve superhuman levels of stamina. Just like yours.
Robert Song
08 Lost John Hunter & the Blind Bats - Schoolboy
Mom Unaware Little Note She Packed With Son's Lunch Getting Him Beaten Up Right Now
SUN VALLEY, ID—Dental hygienist and mother June Treadway, 36, appears unaware that the thoughtful note she wrote at 6:30 a.m. and slipped into her son's lunch is the reason why he's now getting the shit kicked out of him, witnesses confirmed Thursday. "I like to leave a message in there each day so he gets a nice little surprise at lunchtime," Treadway said of the note taped to a cup of mandarin oranges that is currently being dumped over the 10-year-old's head as he is mercilessly made fun of for eating "pussy food." "It's just my way of letting him know that, even if he's having a hard day at school, there's someone at home who will always be there for him." Reports indicated Treadway is also unaware that, later tonight, the bully who taunted her son will read the note aloud to himself and pretend it's from his own mother, who abandoned her family eight years ago.
Doowad
09 Jerry Lee Lewis - Meat-Eatin' Man
World Wildlife Fund Quickly Backtracks After Announcing Panda Ears Are Delicious
'They're Really Good, But We Shouldn't Be Saying That,' Says Spokesman
Representatives for the WWF say they regret claiming panda ears are delicious, but confirmed they indeed are.
GLAND, SWITZERLAND—During a press conference outside their Swiss headquarters Thursday, World Wildlife Fund officials backpedaled from a controversial press statement released by the organization last week, claiming that while panda ears are in fact "absolutely delicious," the environmental protection group shouldn't have said so.
Various spokespersons for the WWF, widely acclaimed for its 50 years of international conservation work, told reporters the organization deeply regretted the statement—along with the subsequent tweet, Facebook post, and e-mail to supporters—in which they wrote, "The ears of an endangered giant panda taste phenomenal."
A new message was reportedly sent Thursday urging donors and subscribers to "ignore that last e-mail about how good panda ears taste, even though they are good and we're eating them right now, and we wish we wouldn't have written that or sent this without deleting that last part."
"We are truly sorry for publicly saying that panda ears are delicious and that they are a healthy, tasty snack," said WWF board chairman Paul Kinnaird, also apologizing for the extensive list of panda-ear recipes that were posted on the organization's website before being deleted, reposted with an apology, deleted, reposted, and then deleted again. "The fact of the matter is, panda ears are not delicious. Well, they are delicious, but we should really stop saying that."
"Whoops," Kinnaird added after a brief pause. "Obviously, this isn't quite how this was supposed to go."
The nearly three-hour-long press conference included numerous officials attempting to clarify one another's statements and make known the organization's belief that no one should ever eat any part of a panda "even if their ears do taste amazing braised, fried, steamed, or seared, and even if we did eat some last night for dinner and then put some leftover panda ears in an omelet for breakfast this morning."
According to sources, WWF officials then apologized for saying that too.
"What we're trying to say is that no one should eat any part of any endangered species, even if it is just an animal, because, ultimately, who really cares about animals, anyway?" said associate director of public relations Jessica Musgrove, who quickly added that she does care about animals, just not the ones that taste great, after which she reportedly mumbled "damn it" under her breath. "Cheetah shins are also delicious. Of course, this is also something I shouldn't have said in my official capacity, so please just forget I said anything about cheetah shins. But as long as we're on the topic, my God, cheetah shins paired with giraffe neck in a balsamic reduction? You absolutely have to try it."
"Don't do what I just said to do, though," Musgrove added. "We really do care about the environment."
Asked by reporters what measures the group planned on taking to rectify its recent missteps, vice president Charles Mackey said the organization's employees would stop munching on the fried panda ears that are constantly refilled in a jar marked "Fried Panda Ears: Take as many as you'd like" in the WWF office kitchen. In addition, he said the organization would immediately stop illegally funneling the substantial charitable donations its receives to hunting groups, animal testing labs, and underground dogfighting rings.
Mackey then wrote, ripped up, taped together, and presented a $300,000 check to the head of an illegal dogfighting ring, all while apologizing for doing so.
"We are committed to our mission of protecting animals and ending all threats to endangered species," Mackey said. "With that being said, we do go hunting from time to time as a group, but that's on our private time and probably something I shouldn't have said out loud. Also, it's more like poaching, really, since we only hunt for ivory and I shouldn't have said that in a press conference either. I also shouldn't say that we once pushed a seal out of a moving car but here goes: We did push some seals out of moving cars and it was enjoyable every time. You just wouldn't believe the sounds that come out of their little mouths when they hit the pavement and, my God, the way they roll! Fantastic. I didn't need to inform you of that last detail or any of that at all, actually, but I suppose it's too late now. Anyway, I still don't think I enjoyed that as much as pulling all the teeth out of an iguana's mouth, which is something I'm not going to describe further. That would definitely be a mistake. We could probably expand a little more on the World Wildlife Fund's affinity for chopping off lion heads with guillotines, but on second thought I'm not going to talk about how great and fun that is. Yeah, I'd say this organization has taken part in a fair share of animal abuse and, again, all of it was completely wrong and something we intend to stop immediately. We love nature and all animals even though our research team once injected a penguin with HIV and reintroduced him to a wild population, but to be fair, we only did that because it was funny. Obviously, it was in no way funny, but I did laugh a lot. I didn't want to laugh but I did laugh and that was another one of those things I shouldn't have told you guys. So, just to reiterate, we are truly committed to protecting each and every one of nature's fine creatures."
Added Mackey, "We gave a penguin AIDS."
Robert Song
10 'Fats' Waller and his Rhythm - Sugar blues
Report: Average American Consumes 156 Pounds Of Sugar Per Year But Would Like To Consume Much More
WASHINGTON—A U.S. Department of Agriculture report published Monday revealed the average American consumes 156 pounds of sugar a year but would, ideally, prefer to ingest a far greater amount. “To be honest, 156 sounds pretty low,” said Milwaukee-area consumer Curt Jenkins, 35, whose feelings are shared by an overwhelming 87 percent of U.S. citizens who participated in the five-year, $200 million study. “That’s not even a pound a day. I think if we worked at it, we could double that number. I know I personally could eat a whole lot more, and I’m sure others could, too. I mean, sugar’s the best! Have you tasted it? It’s really good.” The report follows last month’s finding that Americans take an average of 5,117 steps per day, a distance 96 percent of survey respondents agreed was “way farther than anyone should be walking.”
Doowad
11 Woody Herman New Third Herd - More Moon
Sun Myung Moon Funeral To Be All Weird, Sources Report
GAPYEONG, SOUTH KOREA—Citing the myriad bizarre religious customs practiced by the Unification Church, sources told reporters Monday that they expect the funeral of recently deceased founder Rev. Sun Myung Moon to be all weird and shit. “I mean, the guy said he was the messiah, so it’s definitely going to be super freaky,” said Tsuyoshi Hwang, 31, who further speculated that a bunch of different people in outlandish outfits would likely make speeches and then maybe do some kind of strange group dance. “There will probably be some big weird altar and people will probably chant like a bunch of nutjobs while they put him into the ground. And there will definitely be some crazy-ass hats and stuff. That’s basically a given.” At press time, sources confirmed the ceremony would probably involve a point when all 3 million members of the odd cult commit suicide in a really weird way.
Robert Song
12 Frank Crumit - I Don't Work For A Living
Americans Take Day Off From Looking For Work
NEW YORK—Citing the day-in, day-out grind of waking up early every morning and plugging away nonstop to find a job, Americans across the nation are spending their Labor Day taking a well-deserved day off from looking for work.
Whether it’s spending time at the park, firing up the grill, or simply enjoying a relaxing day inside watching television, U.S. citizens, who reportedly work an average of eight hours a day searching for employment, said they were glad to take some time off from the near-constant pressure of their job hunts.
“It’s definitely good to recharge,” said unemployed operations manager Rob Wilkes, 44, who vowed to relax and not send a single looking-for-work-related email the entire day. “I honestly can’t remember the last time I took a day off from trying to find a job.”
Added Wilkes, “Labor Day last year, maybe?”
Stating how important their finding a career is to them, Americans admitted it would be somewhat difficult to completely tear themselves away from various work-seeking responsibilities that typically pop up during the day, such looking through the classified sections of multiple newspapers, and blindly sending out dozens of resumes and cover letter.
However, citizens maintained that their lives can’t just revolve around their job search, and that it's essential to take some time away from the grueling—and some would say mind-numbing—hours spent staring endlessly at a computer monitor displaying Monster.com and LinkedIn.
Moreover, for the entire day, Americans have vowed to completely avoid discussing the subject of finding work, and just enjoy hanging out with friends, relatives, and recently laid-off coworkers.
“I’m constantly in looking-for-work mode,” said former market researcher Amanda Cooper, adding that Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. till 6 p.m. she can be found glued to her bedroom desk trying to find a job. “But you know what? It’s Labor Day. I’m not going to think about all the follow-up phone calls I have to make to potential employers, or how I’m behind on updating my CV. In fact, there is a job application to Burger King sitting on my kitchen table right now, and it’ll just have to wait until tomorrow.”
“I’m just going to sit back, relax, and watch a movie,” Cooper continued. “Mainly because I can’t really afford to go anywhere or do anything.”
Though the U.S. populace is content to take the day off, citizens have confirmed that because of America’s now well-established looking-for-work ethic, come tomorrow morning they’ll be back at it.
Doowad
13 Los Cuates De Sinaloa - Negro Y Azul The Ballad of Heisenberg
'Breaking Bad' Creator Thinking Maybe Next Season Should Take Dark Turn
LOS ANGELES—Following last Sunday’s Breaking Bad midseason finale, creator and showrunner Vince Gilligan told reporters that in a departure from the “light, fun tone” that has characterized the program thus far, the concluding episodes may take more of a darker turn. “Ever since the very first episode, in which [main character] Walt is diagnosed with cancer and forced to sell meth to provide for his pregnant wife and cerebral-palsy-stricken son, I’ve thought that perhaps one day we could begin taking the show in a grittier direction,” said Gilligan, adding that while the program’s ongoing depiction of a man slowly succumbing to an illegal lifestyle defined by power, violence, and alienation was fine for four and a half seasons, he “wouldn’t mind” eventually exploring some grimmer themes. “I know our audience has gotten comfortable seeing Walt regularly kill drug dealers, endanger his family, and poison small children, but, personally, I think people would be interested in seeing a slightly more sinister side to the character.” Gilligan’s announcement comes just weeks after fellow AMC showrunner Matthew Weiner announced it was “entirely conceivable that the next season of Mad Men may touch on how men deal with marriage.”
Robert Song
14 Antibalas - Government Magic
DNC Lacking Same Delusional Magic It Had In 2008
CHARLOTTE, NC—With the 2012 Democratic National Convention now under way in Charlotte, Beltway observers are reporting that the mood inside the Time Warner Cable Arena remains spirited and optimistic, despite a noticeable lack of the delusional, completely-out-of-touch-with-reality magic that characterized the event four years ago.
"While it’s an honor to be here, I have to say the mood on the floor just doesn’t have that same exhilarating spark of runaway optimism and absolute detachment from reality that was so thrilling back in 2008," said Illinois delegate Erin Carol, referring to the last DNC, in which a record number of supporters came together as one under completely illusory ideals of hope and change. “I still support the president, of course, but admittedly I don’t quite feel as though I’m being caught up in this big, stirring wave of entirely imaginary progress the way I did four years ago.”
"Hopefully at some point the convention will start to recapture that old enchanting and utterly deceptive feeling that America is on the cusp of a better and brighter tomorrow," Carol added.
According to sources, none of the students in attendance appeared to be discussing proposals for college debt-relief with quite the same degree of unthinking, asinine fervor as they did in 2008, nor did the older convention-goers seem quite as transfixed by the magic spell of actually believing they could retire with financial stability.
Moreover, not a single woman has thus far beamed with a comparable level of unfounded hope at the prospect of an equal pay bill, or excitedly, albeit idiotically, discussed the possibility of not leaving behind a thoroughly ravaged planet for their children and grandchildren.
“Obviously, people are never going to be seized by the exact same patently bullshit sense of destiny they were last time around, but I would like to see this convention have at least a little more of the totally deceptive electricity we saw in Denver,” convention attendee David Lowell said. “I think maybe in the next day or two people will really start to build up to moronically thinking real change is finally on its way.”
Political analysts have said that if Obama wants to regain momentum, he must use the 2012 convention to reproduce the spirit of unexamined and wholly unearned confidence that propelled millions of deluded young people to the polls in 2008, and must persuade those who voted for him four years ago that their sad, childlike trust was not misplaced.
In addition, sources confirmed that in order to recapture the nonsensical, preposterous magic of Denver, DNC organizers will have to create a program in which starry-eyed promises of bipartisanship, economic recovery, and relief for the middle class will be received with the same feeling of moronic glee that pervaded Mile High Stadium.
"It's definitely going to be tough to restore the misguided enthusiasm and baseless belief in a new tomorrow to the levels we saw four years ago,” said 54-year-old Linda Morrison, an Obama campaign volunteer. "Then again, if Obama gives a great speech on Thursday, and really wows people with the stirring, if ultimately meaningless, power of his words, then maybe we can be filled with the kind of foolish idealism that carried us through in 2008.”
Added Morrison, “I’m certainly open to it.”
Doowad
15 The Smothers Brothers - Mediocre Fred
Best They Could Get Accepts Republican Nomination
TAMPA, FL—Addressing thousands of faithful GOP supporters at the Republican National Convention Thursday evening, the best they could get right now formally accepted the party’s nomination for the presidency of the United States.
“It is a great honor to stand before you all today and accept your nomination for president,” the only real viable alternative they had, given the options, told the assembled GOP delegates at the Tampa Bay Times Forum. “Together, we will take America in a new direction. Together, we will win the White House.”
With Thursday night’s speech, the by no means perfect choice what are you gonna do finally reached the end of a difficult nomination process, having beaten a field of challengers in the primaries that included they’d have to be crazy, not a chance, and the absolute worst-case scenario.
“You have given me a solemn responsibility, one that I do not take lightly,” said the honest to God strongest game plan the Republicans could come up with after four whole years of trying. “It has been an extraordinary journey to this point, and I believe this is only the beginning.”
After accepting the nomination, the lesser of several evils thanked those in attendance, adding that it was a great honor to have the much more exciting possibility, actually, although probably better for 2016, as a running mate.
What they’re just going to have to live with because it isn’t like Ronald Reagan is walking on to that stage anytime soon then went on to offer a hopeful vision for the future.
“It is true that our country has fallen on hard times,” the only halfway decent alternative around if one is being brutally frank—and, at this point, why not be brutally frank—said in the nationally televised speech. “But a brighter future lies ahead.”
Promising to solve the country’s economic woes and restore strong values to the White House, the admittedly safe bet that didn’t exactly set the world on fire in 2008, isn’t exactly setting the world on fire now, and probably never will be what die-hard conservatives, or even moderate Republicans for that matter, really want in their deepest heart of hearts blasted President Obama for “four years of failed ideas and failed policies.”
“It’s time for a change,” the perhaps inevitably uninspiring fall-back plan of a rudderless party attempting to redefine its political identity amidst a rapidly changing political landscape announced. “I will not let you down.”
“Thank you, and God bless America,” concluded the only way they were going to raise this kind of money, anyway, so they can’t complain too much.
Robert Song
16 Surfin' Lungs - Bubblegum Summer
Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87
The vice president says nothing, not even four years of increased prosperity, could touch “that badass summer of ’87.”
CHARLOTTE, NC—Accepting his renomination at the Democratic National Convention on Thursday, Vice President
Joe Biden countered recent Republican criticisms by asserting that most Americans were indeed better off than they were four years ago, but he acknowledged that life still paled in comparison to that one “killer fucking” summer in 1987.
Dressed in a slightly ripped Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt, Biden tapped the top of an Icehouse tallboy, cracked it open, and then informed the 20,000 people in attendance that while the economy is no longer hemorrhaging jobs as it was in 2008, nothing, “not even that little trip I took to Thailand in ’92,” could ever live up to the unforgettable months of June through August 1987, when “the skirts were short, the brews were cold, and you couldn’t walk 2 feet without stepping into some grade-A tang.”
“Things are definitely better today than back in ’08, but is this the summer of ’87? Not a fucking chance,” said Biden, reminiscing about his “prime seed-spreading days,” when he was a carefree 44-year-old senator cruising the Delaware boardwalks in acid-washed Jordache jeans and his pink Sonny Crockett blazer. “Oh, man, that summer was one hell of a ride. I’d take off the T-tops, pack a cooler full of happy juice, and drive down the strip blasting G N’ R.”
“And it seemed like every night ended with a little skinny-dipping with one of those hot-to-trot lifeguards,” continued Biden, making sure to reiterate that he was “tan from head to toe.” “Didn’t matter if they were legal or not. No one cared back then.”
Biden, who reportedly
hitchhiked to the convention and almost didn’t make his speech on time because of some business he had to take care of in Greensboro, briefly touched upon how the economy had been moving in the right direction in recent months. However, he emphasized the nation would never see another string of weeks like the run in 1987 when he got “totally blitzed” on his buddy Blaze’s deck nearly every night, tore donuts in the Food Lion parking lot after hours, and scored some “primo” seats for Great White’s Once Bitten… Tour in Atlantic City.
In addition to the “all-night fiestas,” Biden noted that the summer also included a welcome share of mellow nights spent passing a few jays around a beach bonfire with some “real laid-back compadres.”
“The babes back then were a sight to behold,” said Biden, recalling one particular “fiery redheaded number” named Starla who “showed [him] a thing or two” about where to get hot and heavy on the beach without the cops noticing. “They were everywhere—rollerblading in their tight little frosted jean shorts and bikini tops, or kicking back beachside with Van Halen’s 5150 blasting on the boombox. And with my Trans Am purring, I had the pick of the litter.”
“You could almost see their panties getting soaked when I’d rev the V8,” Biden continued. “Drilled a few holes in the muffler to get that rumble that really gets their juices flowing. Wasn’t exactly street legal, but it got me down and dirty more times than I can count.”
While the vice president repeatedly referred to the summer of 1987 as “bitchin’” and “badass,” he admitted the period was not entirely without hardship. Explaining that everyone “played it real damn loose back then,” Biden said he had a brief HIV scare and things were definitely touch-and-go for a while.
Assuring delegates the incident blew over and it had been “smooth sailing” ever since, Biden informed the women in attendance that he was “100 percent clean and mean down there” and that they were all free to inspect for themselves.
“Nothing will ever match ’87, but that shouldn’t stop us from at least trying to relive some of that magic,” the vice president said before draining his third beer of the evening and tossing the crumpled can on the stage. “So if anyone out there wants to keep that spirit alive, I’m declaring it ladies’ night over at Rico’s Cantina on Caldwell, and the Cuervo’s on Uncle Joe.”
Added Biden, “God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.”
Doowad
17 The Beatles - I'm A Loser
Andy Roddick Retires At Top Of Everyone Else's Game
NEW YORK—After losing in the fourth round of the U.S. Open to Juan Martin del Potro, Andy Roddick officially retired from professional tennis Wednesday, walking away from the sport while at the peak of his competitors’ careers.
Roddick, who spoke with reporters at Flushing Meadows following the defeat, confirmed that he owed it to fans to step down at the pinnacle of his rivals’ talent and physical ability, saying he felt honored and blessed to retire while an intense desire to win still burned deeply inside Roger Federer, Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, and Andy Murray.
“To hang it up when those guys are still hitting on all cylinders and dominating opponents—I wouldn’t want to go out any other way,” said Roddick, who hasn’t won a major since 2003. “They’re winning on their own terms, and that’s how I wanted to end my tennis career. With them prevailing on the court in a commanding fashion.”
“I always said I didn’t want to be around if David Ferrer wasn’t playing at the highest level possible,” added Roddick, who was reportedly pleased that he could leave tennis with his competitors’ games intact.
Appearing overwhelmed with emotion, Roddick tearfully admitted that he was very grateful for the opportunity to end his career on such a high note for the world’s greatest tennis players.
“Saying goodbye isn’t easy, but I’m proud and thankful that I’m calling it quits at a time when Tomas Berdych, Juan Monaco, and Novak Djokovic are continuing to play at an elite level,” said Roddick, who finished his career with just one Grand Slam victory. “That’s the memory I want to leave behind.”
“The best in the world being the best and me not being the best,” Roddick continued.
Roddick has long expressed concerns about playing until the tennis superstars were past their prime, claiming he felt it was best to retire before their skills had eroded. The 30-year-old was reportedly satisfied that he could go out with Djokovic still able to run across the court without any problems and Nadal’s devastating forehand showing no signs of decline.
“I never wanted to be around when Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, Janko Tipsarevic, and John Isner were ravaged by injuries and couldn’t keep up with the demands of professional tennis,” Roddick said. “I hoped to pack it in before they started playing mediocre and a guy like Andy Roddick could beat them.”
“I don’t want to see those guys get beat by someone like me,” Roddick added.
Robert Song
18 Kate Miller-Heidke - Are You Fucking Kidding Me
Number Of Users Who Actually Enjoy Facebook Down To 4
Reasons Why People Can’t Stand Facebook
WASHINGTON—A comprehensive and groundbreaking new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center’s Internet and American Life Project has found that only four users of
Facebook derive pleasure of any kind from the popular social networking website.
According to the report, the remainder of the 950 million people registered with Facebook, despite using the site on a regular basis, take no joy in doing so, and in fact feel a profound sense of hopelessness and despair immediately upon logging in.
“An exhaustive analysis of our data indicates that Facebook does indeed have a positive impact on the day-to-day lives of Susannah Brambrink of Milwaukee, Tom Peros of San Diego, Eugene Phipps of Albuquerque, and Karen Fairbanks of rural Missouri,” lead researcher John Elliott said. “But all other users—literally all of them—are overpowered by a deep, nameless sadness when exposed to the site, and apparently only visit it out of some sick, inexplicable compulsion bordering on masochism.”
Added Elliott, “As it turns out, the vast majority of human beings tend to become depressed when they see the past five years of their life summarized right there in front of them in a sad little timeline.”
The only four people in the world who are actually made happier in any way by Facebook.
Indeed, the Pew report found that 99 percent of Facebook members could not recall having enjoyed any of the social network’s features at any time since 2009. Of that subset, 74 percent said they had asked themselves “How has my life come to this?” while checking the website multiple times per day, 67 percent said they were “inevitably plunged into an alternating cycle of vanity and self-disgust” when reviewing tagged pictures of themselves, and 52 percent said they had questioned the whole point of life itself after spending half an hour on the site only to realize the most interesting thing they had seen the entire time was a photo of what someone had for dinner.
In addition, more than three-quarters of users said they had “legitimately considered suicide” while watching politically charged arguments unfold in response to a Facebook post.
Reached for comment, two of the four people still able to spend time on Facebook without immediately calculating how much of their life they just let slip away spoke to reporters about their use of the site.
“Anytime I get a free moment, the first thing I do is check Facebook on my phone,” said Susannah Brambrink, 28, one of the last users on the face of the earth who can routinely update her profile without fearing that the smallest details of her personal life will be relentlessly mocked and ridiculed. “It’s just a fun way to stay in touch with friends and family, so I usually check it once or twice a day, if not more.”
“Sometimes I’ll be on there for an hour or more, just browsing people’s profiles,” continued Brambrink, who, unlike the other 214 million single women surveyed, said she was unconcerned by the possibility of finding out her ex-boyfriend was in a new relationship and having her heart ripped out of her chest all over again. “It’s cool to go back and see what somebody posted a year ago.”
Tom Peros, another of the four users for whom Facebook is not a constant source of anxiety fueled by narcissism and self-doubt, expressed a similar sentiment, saying it “just feels good” to read people’s status updates, a feature on the site that shows users how many things in life they’re missing out on and how many experiences they’re likely never to have.
Sources confirmed Peros is also able to explore his friends’ Facebook profiles without growing completely despondent in the face of information that documents exactly how people who were once close can drift further and further apart until they barely recognize each other and the only thing still uniting them is the superficial thread of social media.
“I love finding old classmates and seeing what they’re up to,” said Peros, who regularly skims the “Work and Education” section of profiles without reaching the soul-crushing conclusion that his own accomplishments are pathetic by comparison. “And if I’m not friends with them already, I’ll send them a request. I figure, what’s to lose? Even if you’re rejected, it’s presumably just because they don’t remember you, or else like to keep their friend list limited to people they know really well. Why else would they reject you? Right?”
At press time, the number of users who enjoy Facebook had reportedly dropped to three.
Doowad
19 Flight of the Conchords - Robots [Live]
New Roomba Blender Makes Smoothie Out Of Everything In Its Path
BEDFORD, MA—In an exciting extension of their product line, the creators of the Roomba-brand self-directed vacuum cleaner have introduced the Yumba, a new household blender capable of mixing a rich, frothy smoothie out of whatever ingredients it sucks up from your floor. “With the Yumba, you can make a banana, floor sweepings, and wheat germ shake; a strawberry-mango-cigarette-butt frappé; or, for a light lunch, a zesty toenail-clipping-cat-hair-dead-skin-and-pineapple smoothie,” product developer Peter Olsen said Monday, demonstrating the new device on a carpet covered in sawdust, garden vegetables, and detritus. “Mmm, you can taste the cobwebs.” When asked if the Yumba could make smoothies out of pennies and melon, Haskins said that it could.
Robert Song
20 10CC - Art For Art's Sake
Whole Museum Visit Spent Feeling Guilty About Moving On From Paintings
CHICAGO—Visitors to the Art Institute of Chicago reported Saturday that their trip to the celebrated museum was entirely dominated by the guilt they felt for not lingering long on any one painting before moving on to the next. “I know these are masterpieces, and you’re supposed to let their brilliance wash over you while you contemplate their significance, but I really couldn’t make myself stand there for more than a few seconds,” said museum-goer Vernon Bailey, admitting he spent more
time reading the placards describing each painting than he did looking at the art itself. “They have all these Monets and Renoirs in there, but I made it through that entire wing in, like, five minutes. By the end I was just blowing past these iconic works—
Nighthawks,
American Gothic, that really famous pointillist one—and thinking, ‘Okay, done, done, done.’ What’s wrong with me?” Other museum visitors confirmed they couldn’t give a shit about paintings and didn’t mind saying so.
Disk 2
Robert Song
2-01 Lord Kitchener - Sugar Bum Bum
Everyone At Airport Delighted By Chubby Family Rapidly Waddling Toward Gate
NEWARK, NJ—The stress and tedium of air travel were reportedly relieved Wednesday when passengers in Newark Liberty Airport’s Terminal C were treated to the wheezing, waddling antics of an overweight family hurriedly straining to catch a flight to Orlando. “Well, that was an utter delight,” said witness Monica Adler, adding that it was “wonderfully satisfying” to see a frazzled and obese mother try to hang on to her Auntie Anne’s pretzel while running to her gate. “Watching them huffing and puffing, yelling at the children to speed up but then falling behind themselves, all while weighed down by their carry-on baggage… The only thing that could have made it more enjoyable would have been ‘Baby Elephant Walk’ playing over the loudspeakers.” At press time, onlookers were bursting into delighted cheers as the family had to suddenly turn around and run the other way following a gate change announcement.
Doowad
2-02 Bob Dylan - Long and Wasted Years
Posthumously Recorded Bob Dylan Album Receives Rave Reviews
LOS ANGELES—Singer-songwriter
Bob Dylan’s posthumously recorded 35th studio album
Tempest, released Sept. 10, has been enjoying widespread acclaim from top music critics across the country, with many praising the late Dylan’s largely undiminished songwriting skills. “While he may never again match the series of masterworks he recorded in the ’60s and ’70s, when he was alive, Dylan has entered a true late-career renaissance since passing away,”
Chicago Tribunemusic critic Greg Kot wrote in his review of the fourth album Dylan has recorded since his death in 2005. “Dying has lent his voice a certain rough yet poignant gravitas. One can clearly hear how the dead tissue in his vocal cords has deteriorated to the point where there’s almost nothing left. Nothing, that is, except the genius of a master songwriter still in full command of his powers, even seven years after expiring.” While critics have almost unanimously found Dylan himself to be in fine form on the new album, a number of reviews have criticized the playing of his backing band as lifeless.
Robert Song
2-03 Trent Willmon - Dixie Rose Deluxe's Honky Tonk, Feed Store, Gun Shop, Used Car, Beer, Bait, BBQ, Barber Shop, Laundromat
Fearless Man Bravely Ventures Out Into U.S. Economy
The courageous, some might even say foolish, man heads out into the U.S. economy.
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Steeling himself against brutal market conditions and an unforgiving fiscal climate, fearless local man Calvin Ordway boldly set out into the U.S.
economy this week, sources close to the 32-year-old confirmed.
Clad in a dress shirt and khakis, armed with only his wits and basic computer skills, Ordway reportedly showed no hesitation as he opened his front door and strode through the breach into a bleak economic landscape where there likely exists absolutely no demand for any task he can perform or product he can create.
“Does this man have no fear of the financial ruin that almost certainly awaits him?” said economist Carol F. Weiss, describing the U.S. economy as “entirely inhospitable to humankind.” “He has ventured into a dark and treacherous place. Where he will emerge, whether he will emerge, is impossible to say. We can only hope against hope that he remains solvent long enough to make it out with his assets intact.”
“
God help him,” Weiss added.
According to sources, the
college-educated Ordway entered the economy despite knowing it to be almost entirely devoid of revenue streams—and knowing that while his chances of finding profit in the barren, sparse wasteland were exceedingly small, the likelihood he would lose his way and fall victim to financial exposure was quite high.
Ordway was last seen behind the wheel of a 2001 Toyota Camary with 200,000 miles on its odometer, driving in the direction of a job believed to be located in a particularly tempestuous and unpredictable economic sector.
“This poor soul has left himself at the mercy of the economy of the United States of America,” said former SEC Chairman Arthur Levitt, appearing shocked and incredulous as he spoke to reporters. “Good Lord, I wouldn’t go anywhere near that place on a good day, let alone in times like these. To make it in this economy you need contacts, you need political alliances, you need to know how to game the system in your favor.”
“One false move could bankrupt him or, God forbid, something worse,” he added. “Tax codes, mortgage lenders, health insurers—if he loses his footing for even a moment, he could plunge into bottomless debt.”
Agreeing that each transaction he makes puts him at further risk and brings him closer and closer to financial oblivion, leading economists nonetheless acknowledged a grudging respect for the single-minded courage of Ordway’s “outright suicide mission.”
“He’s a damn fool, but you have to admire him,” economist Paul Krugman said. “To go straight into the belly of the beast, to willfully forsake the comfort of his home and family, to throw himself into the nightmarish heart of fiscal danger so willingly. Call him crazy if you want. The man has brass balls.”
Ordway’s wife, Louisa, meanwhile, expressed different concerns.
“I just hope he makes it back and doesn’t leave me and the children here alone,” she told reporters. “He’s a brave man. A stupid man, maybe. But a brave man, and I love him for it.”
While the motivation for Ordway’s daring trek remained uncertain, reports indicated he may have set forth on a quest for the fabled treasure of middle-class respectability said to lie hidden somewhere in the nation’s deepest economic recesses.
Doowad
2-04 A Flock of Seagulls - I Ran
Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama
CHARLESTON, WV—According to the results of a Gallup poll released Monday, the overwhelming majority of rural white Americans said they would rather vote for Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than U.S. president
Barack Obama. “I like him better,” said West Virginia resident Dale Swiderski, who, along with 77 percent of rural Caucasian voters, confirmed he would much rather go to a baseball game or have a beer with Ahmadinejad, a man who has repeatedly denied the Holocaust and has had numerous political prisoners executed, than spend time with Obama. “He takes national defense seriously, and he’d never let some
gay protesters tell him how to run his country like Obama does.” According to the same Gallup poll, 60 percent of rural whites said they at least respected that Ahmadinejad doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s Muslim.
For more on this story: Please visit our Iranian subsidiary organization, Fars.
Robert Song
2-05 Lou Reed - Don't Talk To Me About Work
Office Cheering On Employee Going For 32-Minute Nonstop Work Streak
NEW YORK -- Holding up signs and roaring with applause, employees at Accenture Management Consultants dropped their work Tuesday morning to cheer on coworker James Conrad as he shattered company records by going for a 32-minute non-stop work streak, sources reported. “Go! Go! Go! Go!” coworkers chanted in unison as Conrad answered emails, analyzed data, and managed client accounts for the 19th straight minute without walking around the office, eating, or checking movie trailers on YouTube. “Can he go for 20? He did it! Twenty minutes of unbroken productivity and counting!” At the 22-minute mark, an exhausted Conrad was moments away from checking his
Facebook account but was buoyed again by the cheers of his colleagues.
UPDATE: Conrad's streak officially ended at the 32-minute mark when he took out his phone to post “Busy day at the office” on his Twitter account.
Doowad
2-06 The Who - Go To The Mirror Boy!
Nation's Creepy Middle School Gym Teachers Also Come Out In Favor Of Circumcision
WASHINGTON—Following a recent statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics touting the benefits of circumcision, the nation’s creepy middle school gym teachers have also announced their support for the procedure, declaring it the more hygienic and aesthetically preferable alternative. “We just want to see healthy, happy boys out there, unencumbered by unsightly folds of loose foreskin,” creepy middle school gym teacher spokesman Mr. Griffon said at a press conference Wednesday, stressing that his group did not dislike uncircumcised penises per se, but simply found them less than ideal. “No boy should have to go through life with a disease-ridden flap of skin obscuring the elegant curve of his glans.” The group also decried the growing childhood obesity epidemic, due to its reported deleterious effects on student health and the firmness of pubescent breasts.
Robert Song
2-07 Ry Cooder - One Cat, One Vote, One Beer
Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machines
Florida election officials say the machine’s hundreds of easy-to-use levers will take the confusion out of voting.
MIAMI—Responding to widespread criticism of voting procedures that have plagued the state since the 2000
election, the Florida Elections Commission announced Thursday its plan to experiment with new 600-lever voting machines.
The 22-foot-tall, 11-foot-wide steam-powered machines, which Florida officials are hailing as “the future of voting,” each feature more than 45 separate panels of levers, along with an intricate series of valves, knobs, cranks, pumps, and switches, all reportedly designed to help ease the electoral process and ensure accurate balloting this November.
“We hope these advances will allow Floridians to go to the polls this fall fully confident their votes will be counted,” said Elections Commission general counsel Tim Conner, explaining the “completely intuitive” machinery’s use of diagonally, vertically, and horizontally shifting levers, as well as 270 separate pistons designed to ensure chads are fully punched. “Voters simply place their ballot in the machine; enter their name, address, and social security number using the corresponding alphanumeric lever panels at the top; and then maneuver the remaining 564 levers to select a candidate.”
“And just to guarantee there is no confusion, voters will reconfirm each selection by repeating the 80 required steps using a second panel of levers on the machine’s side,” Conner added. “The whole system is designed to get voters in and out of the booth in no more than four hours.”
Each voter will also be given a 2,200-page instruction manual in case they have trouble operating the machine.
Upon entering a polling place, each Floridian will reportedly be handed a 2,200-page instructional manual, the first 410 pages of which are devoted to teaching users how to start up the machine by operating a hand crank at the back and using the side valves to unbolt its 18 security locks—as well as step-by-step instructions on how to engage the pulley system that closes the booth’s curtain.
“Some of the levers are naturally a bit rusted and may require some extra jiggling, but other than that the process should be pretty straightforward if you read the manual,” said the machine’s inventor, Mason Reid, who went on to describe the series of pedals that voters must operate with their feet at all times to ensure the pistons and cylinders are adequately sprayed with coolant. “Every 10 minutes or so, voters will have to remember to go around back and pour more water in the boiler tank to ensure the steam engine stays operational. And then every hour, of course, they’ll need to shovel more coal in the firebox.”
“We’re also keeping a ladder nearby in case a bird gets caught in the smokestack and the voter needs to climb up to get it out,” Reid added. “Happens from time to time.”
According to early reports, Florida voters are being asked to bring a crowbar, a screwdriver, and tweezers to their polling place for a section of the process that requires them to crawl underneath the machine’s base and pry open a panel containing the 83 tiny switches necessary to print the final ballot.
Officials also noted that any minor voter errors at any point could be “easily remedied” by pulling a green lever right at the front of the machine that allows users to restart the process altogether.
Prototypes of the new device were used in seven Tallahassee-area voting precincts for this January’s
Republicanprimary, and the Elections Commission deemed the experiment “largely successful.”
“The process got a little confusing when I had to manually shift the oscillating cylinders inside the engine during Stage 12 of the process, but at the end of the day I’m glad to have voted,” 79-year-old Tallahassee resident Angela Stern said. “I’m pretty sure I voted.”
Despite the fire that burned down a polling site after one of the trial machines overheated, officials said they are thrilled to see the how Floridians take to the new process this fall.
“Ultimately, the system is designed so that no matter who you’re voting for, you have a very simple 90 to 450 levers that will allow you to properly select your candidate,” Conner said. “Of course, if you decide to vote straight-ticket Republican, you can, alternatively, just hit the large red button right in the center of the machine and move on with your day.”
Doowad
2-08 Eric Idle - The Galaxy Song
Obama Makes Surprise Visit To Quantum-Branching Multiverse On Alternate Hyperdimensional Plane
President Obama, delivering a surprise speech in a quantum branch of Hilbert space separate from our own.
EVERYWHERE IN SPACE-TIME SIMULTANEOUSLY—Attempting to appeal to the widest possible demographic base as
Election Day draws near, President Obama made a surprise campaign stop Monday to visit an infinite series of alternate universes that vibrate on a hyperdimensional plane different from the three spatial dimensions observable in our own universe.
Occupying an M-theory-postulated “brane,” or multidimensional “membrane,” of either 11 or 22 dimensions depending on the chirality of the observer, Obama urged any hypothetical sentient consciousnesses within that multiverse to vote for him in November, or in whatever analogous chronological period their version of space-time specifies as extant.
“I come here today to stress the importance of finishing the work we’ve started and moving our political discourse forward,” said the president, his voice confident and assured despite its sound waves propagating in wildly divergent modes incompatibly different from that of his and our native universe, due to differences in the fundamental physical constants guiding the alternate existence in which he stood. “It’s time we talked about the issues that truly matter to voters, and not just to a select few.”
Our plane of reality as it existed during Obama’s speech.
“If we all work together, we can do this,” said Obama, maintaining his composure despite the fact that a “rippling” effect was causing concentric waveforms to appear in the surface of his podium as his hand inadvertently passed through it. “We can start building a better tomorrow.”
At times contracting in size to near Planck-length in the subatomic realm of quantum foam, and at other times seeming to hover alone in a vast empty expanse of macrocosmic scale, the president spoke on a variety of topics, defending his oft-attacked economic policies and stressing the importance of alternative energy development, even as the subjective reality of his own consciousness fluctuated randomly between differing mutually incompatible percept-states.
As his physical form split in two, diverged along parallel but separate time streams, and veered into realms that cannot be expressed by any known mathematical formulations, Obama stayed firmly on message throughout his address, despite the massive cosmological forces unleashed by the contradicting realities constituting the event.
Several times during the speech, a blaring sound was reportedly heard as the multiverse threatened to collapse due to the paradoxical impossibility of Obama and itself existing simultaneously in the same plane of reality.
“This is a bold move on Obama’s part,” said pollster Gregory Shire, a three-dimensional occupant of the universe knowable through our own current conception of reality. “By reaching out to include regions of purely mathematical speculation unverifiable by observable phenomena, the president is showing greater coalition-building ambition than any politician in recent history. And I think this ambition will pay significant dividends come Election Day.”
Despite the apparent political value of the speech, some Democratic insiders expressed concern that he is leaving himself open to criticism by the many thinkers who view non-empirically-observable constructs such as the one he visited Monday to be fundamentally invalid. Other critics have noted that the president runs the risk of being crushed in universes where gravity is 10,000 times more powerful than in our own, and where all the matter in his physical makeup could at any moment be converted into powerful, condensed energy in a miniature “big bang” event that would hasten the destruction of every universe, including our own.
Still, the president’s surprise visit to the M-theory-postulated multiverse has for the most part been met with considerable acclaim, with many hailing it as one of the stronger stump speeches of his campaign.
“I will never stop fighting for the values and the policies that truly matter,” said Obama, who according to aides may be considering a potentially infinite number of campaign stops in additional multiverses, all of which occupy alternate segments of the totality of possible realities and are continually splitting into different quantum branches of Hilbert space. “The era of politics as partisan gamesmanship must come to an end. We must all work together to accomplish this.”
After speaking for what may have been 15 minutes, five days, or no elapsed time at all, the president closed his hyperdimensional remarks by clutching his head, screaming “Aaaaaauuuuugggghhh!!” and suddenly finding himself back in the Oval Office five hours earlier than he left.
Robert Song
2-09 Solomon Burke & De Dijk - More Beauty
Sensitive Scientists Report 5 In 5 Women Don't Know How Beautiful They Are
CAMBRIDGE, MA—A team of considerate, emotionally available researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Monday the results of a study indicating that in a random sampling of five women, not even one has any idea how beautiful she actually is. “In clinical trials, we discovered 100 percent of test subjects were virtually oblivious to the fact that they are and always have been thoughtful, intelligent, and truly gorgeous, inside and out,” sensitive scientist Sidney Kaplan said of the four-year, $30 million study aimed at showing women what they just can’t seem to see for themselves. “Perhaps even more alarming, we found that 87 percent of women felt it was their job to try to make themselves into someone they aren’t, instead of looking in the mirror and rejoicing at what they had already become. And trust me, what they had already become is perfect.” The receptive and caring authors of the study said their work would be published in the forthcoming issue of Nature and available to women “anytime they need to hear it.”
Doowad
2-10 The Rolling Stones - The Worst
Trump Announces He's A Very Sad Man
NEW YORK—In a blockbuster announcement today, Donald Trump announced that he is a very sad man who has nothing to live for other than drawing attention to himself. "I'm a sad, pathetic human being and a complete waste of life," said Trump, adding that he lives an empty existence, and that he is nothing more than a corporate shill, as well as a failed husband, father, and human being. "I am the piece of shit you stepped in on your way to work. I am the vomit that hurls out of your mouth when you are sick. I want to kill myself very badly. Thank you." Trump then slit his throat from ear to ear.
Robert Song
2-11 Paul Simon - Paranoia Blues
Study: Everyone, Everything Linked To Paranoia
Researchers claim all of it, absolutely all of it, can be definitively linked to paranoia.
BALTIMORE—According to a study published Tuesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have succeeded in conclusively linking everyone and everything everywhere to paranoia.
The comprehensive 11-month study—which was designed to establish that it’s all tied to paranoia, all of it, and absolutely everyone is in on it—was able to connect extreme cases of paranoid behavior with the government, the media, doctors, Palestine, the meat industry, stoplights, and everything in existence, all working together, conspiring against us.
“Our research shows statistically significant correlations between episodes of paranoia and fast food chains, Time magazine, the growing military-industrial-media complex that holds all Americans hostage, honeybees, my mother, and China,” said an unshaven, disheveled Dr. Adam Crane, lead author of the paper. “During routine tests, we saw that not only was frantic suspicion and extreme distress a symptom of everything being part of one big conspiracy, but it was also a direct response to the fact that everyone in the world, here and in other countries, is watching us right now at this very moment.”
“Furthermore, our data confirmed this phenomenon goes all the way to the top,” Crane added. “Straight to Obama, Bernanke, the pope, NASA, Jeff Leialoha of Ann Arbor, MI. Everyone.”
“Don’t you see how it’s all connected?” researchers say.
Confirming there was no escape in sight, no escape whatsoever, Crane told reporters that paralyzing feelings of mistrust can almost certainly also be tied to indisputable proof that the whole thing is bigger and more detailed than anyone could have ever imagined. So much fucking bigger.
According to researchers, three out of 10 consecutive trials found paranoia stemmed from the tiniest granule of sand to the cosmos itself, and went “way, way beyond” just the grocery baggers at Safeway, Operation Desert Storm, the AIDS epidemic, and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. At least four additional lab-controlled experiments showed high levels of emotional distress stemming from the discovery that microchips—CIA-monitored microchips—have been embedded in all newborns’ skulls to poison their mental stream with Visa propaganda from day one.
Additionally, the study confirmed that they know. They all know. And they know we know, sources said.
“Crickets, of course, we knew were in on it, and it was certainly no surprise that the 1996 Indiana Pacers were in some way involved,” study co-author Dr. Laura Zhang told reporters. “But I personally was not aware of just how closely linked to paranoia my own colleagues were, and how even my closest research partners, these people I thought I could trust, were in on it all along.”
“Do not tell them I talked to you, do you understand me?” Zhang added. “Research suggests there is a good chance they are recording this conversation right now."
The researchers said that while they were able to verify the link between paranoia and the Illuminati, Chelsea Handler, the fluoride in tap water, and everyone and everything else in the world, their study still left many questions unanswered.
“What we hope to figure out through follow-up studies is who—if anyone—can still be trusted with this information,” Dr. Crane said. “I mean, how deep does this thing go? Students? Department heads? Family? Friends? Reporters?”
“Reporters!” Crane added as he frantically ran out of the room.
Doowad
2-12 Vampire Weekend - Cousins (iTunes Session)
BREAKING: Cousin Mark Coming After All
RESTON, VA—In an unexpected turn of events, Aunt Trisha announced Thursday that her son Mark is actually coming to Thanksgiving dinner after all, confirming that the 29-year-old can definitely make it now. “I guess he doesn’t have to take that holiday shift,” said Aunt Trisha shortly after receiving a brief telephone call from Mark. “I just checked and he’ll probably get here right about when we start. So we can set an extra plate. It’s a shame Todd can’t make it, too.” At press time, sources were unable to corroborate reports that cousin Mark was bringing his girlfriend, Stephanie, but had confirmed numerous rumors that he was stopping at the liquor store on his way over.
Robert Song
2-13 Trini Jacob - Sexy Boo
Kim Jong-Un Named The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive For 2012 [UPDATE]
The Onion is proud to announce that North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, 29, has officially been named the newspaper’s Sexiest Man Alive for the year 2012.
With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman’s dream come true. Blessed with an air of power that masks an unmistakable cute, cuddly side, Kim made this newspaper’s editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile.
“He has that rare ability to somehow be completely adorable and completely macho at the same time,” Onion Style and Entertainment editor Marissa Blake-Zweibel said. “And that’s the quality that makes him the sort of man women want, and men want to be. He’s a real hunk with real intensity who also knows how to cut loose and let his hair down.”
Added Blake-Zweibel, “Ri Sol-ju is one lucky lady, that’s for sure!”
With today’s announcement, Kim joins the ranks of The Onion’s prior “Sexiest Man Alive” winners, including:
- 2011: Bashar al-Assad
- 2010: Bernie Madoff
- 2009: Charles and David Koch (co-winners)
- 2008: Ted Kaczynski
- 2007: T. Herman Zweibel
The Onion’s commemorative “Sexiest Man Alive” issue will be available on newsstands everywhere this Friday and contains a full 16-page spread on Kim.
UPDATE: For more coverage on The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive 2012, Kim Jong-Un, please visit our friends at the
People's Daily in China, a proud Communist subsidiary of The Onion, Inc. Exemplary reportage, comrades.
Doowad
2-14 Amy Winehouse - Between the Cheats
Nation Horrified To Learn About War In Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal
WASHINGTON—As they scoured the Internet for more juicy details about former CIA director David Petraeus’ affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, Americans were reportedly horrified today upon learning that a protracted, bloody
war involving U.S. forces is currently raging in the nation of Afghanistan. “Oh my God, this is terrible,” Allie Lipscomb, 29, said after accidentally stumbling on an article about the war while she tried to ascertain details about what specific sexual acts Petraeus and Broadwell might have engaged in. “According to this, 2,000 American troops have died, 18,000 have been wounded, and more than 20,000 civilians have been killed. Jesus Christ. And it’s been happening for, like, 11 years.” Sources confirmed that after reading a few paragraphs about the brutal war, the nation quickly became distracted by a headline about Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash’s alleged sexual abuse of a 16-year-old boy.
Robert Song
2-15 The Ordinary Boys - Ballad Of An Unrequited Self-Love Affair
'I Am A Brand,' Pathetic Man Says
The pitiful man.
SEATTLE—Sad, pathetic local web developer and blogger Phillip Cathin, 34, told reporters today that he sees himself as “a brand.”
The pitiful man, who works in development and design at the Seattle-based software company Woot, told reporters he takes time out of every day to “promote and further [his] brand” and to extend his “social and online presence.”
“I am my own product,” the little worm said while staring at a laptop and depressingly shuffling between his Twitter,
Facebook, LinkedIn, Google Plus, and Tumblr accounts, which he claimed are “essential tools for growing [his] personal brand” on a daily basis. “I think of myself as the creator, developer, and marketer of Brand Phillip Cathin. And the ideas I come up with are products produced by that brand.”
“It’s sort of like I’m the CEO of the company called ‘Me,’” continued the sad excuse for a man, briefly pausing to check for any comments on his latest Tumblr post about the future of social media. “And right now, I’m defining my company’s story, style, and strengths so that people can see what I’m about and what I have to offer.”
Cathin, who sees his worthless daily blog posts, endless Facebook status updates, and aggravating Foursquare check-ins as “extensions of his brand name,” confirmed that he spends the majority of his miserable days attempting to leverage his 627 Twitter followers into a larger web network of “brand consumers.”
The unbelievably tragic man also stated that everything he does, from social interactions to visits with his family, essentially serves to continue building his brand.
“It’s all about getting people to hear my voice, and having them recognize that voice as a valuable commodity,” said Cathin, heartbreakingly noting that his work experience, family background, and education made his perspective “unique.” “Ultimately, I think I can get people talking about me and seeing the many elements of who I am. That’s the only way my product can be seen by everyone.”
“The way I see it, your personal brand is an investment,” the hopeless man added. “And I’m definitely planning on making the most out of that investment.”
The poor soul then began talking about “the innumerable challenges of keeping [his] brand fresh” as helpless reporters could take no more and walked away.
Doowad
2-16 The Weird Sisters - Do The Hippogriff
Fuck It, Man On Death Row Just Going To Read Entire Harry Potter Series
HUNTSVILLE, TX—Convicted murderer and death row inmate Robert Insterman, 45, announced Thursday that, fuck it, he might as well read the whole goddamn Harry Potter series of bestselling young-adult novels.
“I mean, what else am I going to do? Don’t see why I shouldn’t just read these fuckers,” said the man convicted of abducting and killing a 26-year-old woman, adding that the novels’ successful combination of fantasy and coming-of-age genres “couldn’t hurt” in his efforts to distract himself from his forthcoming execution. “I got halfway through the first book while waiting to see if they’d hear my appeal, and I thought it was pretty good. I guess I’ll be reading the rest of them now.”
Insterman, who forced a woman into his SUV at a highway rest stop, brutally bludgeoned her to death with a tire iron, and dumped her battered body in the desert outside of El Paso, TX, admitted to reporters that he had never planned on reading J.K. Rowling’s popular series chronicling the education of a pupil at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
“To be honest, it wasn’t really on my radar, but at this point I don’t have a whole lot of options left, so why the fuck not?” said Insterman, thumbing through a dog-eared copy of Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets. “I’m not a very fast reader, so it will probably take me a while.”
“I can’t say I’m really into all the spells and potions and magic stuff,” Insterman added. “But whatever. I got some time to burn.”
Although Insterman’s execution date remains undetermined, the inmate was optimistic that he would complete the series about the wizarding world before a cocktail of lethal chemicals is injected into his forearm, ending his life.
“I double-checked, and the prison library has a copy of each book in the series,” said Insterman, noting that Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows had been published after his arrest. “That bastard Alejandro has book three checked out right now, and I swear to God I’ll snap his neck if he doesn’t return it.”
Insterman, who was implicated by DNA samples found on the desiccated corpse of his victim, told reporters that the part in Harry Potter And The Sorcerer’s Stone “when Harry’s broomstick went all crazy during the first Quidditch match” was “pretty fucking fun.”
In addition, the death row inmate who has been in trouble with the law for decades, first serving time at age 15 for assaulting a truancy officer, claimed he “sure as shit” couldn’t think of a better way to spend his final days than poring over J.K. Rowling’s beloved tales.
“I’m outside reading most of the afternoon, then I get in a few more pages after dinner, and I usually have an hour or so to read in my cell before lights out,” Insterman said. “If I weren’t sitting around reading Harry Potter, I probably wouldn’t be doing jack shit.”
Though Insterman got a late start on the series after serving several months in solitary confinement for stabbing a guard, many at the prison said they believed that, with good behavior, he would still have time to finish reading the million-word saga.
“If he doesn’t get his library privileges revoked, I can’t see what would stop him,” said Huntsville Unit warden Dale McPherson, adding that his own children share an interest in the series. “There’s a long list of prisoners slated for execution before him, so he’s certainly got some time. And my little Charlotte read all of it in less than a year.”
The seven-part series, which has enjoyed unprecedented success over the past 15 years among children and adults all over the world, drew Mr. Insterman’s attention by being one of the few diversions available to him in the maximum-security prison.
“It’s been a nice break from the routine here. I especially liked that cool part where Harry and his friends have to break wizard law and sneak that baby dragon out of the country,” the diagnosed sociopath said. “But it sucked that they got caught and Harry lost the Invisibility Cloak.”
At press time, Insterman had been brought before the penitentiary disciplinary board after shoving a piece of glass between the vertebrae of a prison librarian who refused to extend his loan on Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire.
Robert Song
2-17 Edie From Ohio - No Left Turns In Jersey
It's Funny, I've Actually Only Been To New Jersey A Couple Of Times
When you think of Bruce Springsteen, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Maybe it’s the heartland rock music of your youth, or the E Street Band. Perhaps you think of New Jersey—heck, a lot of people do. But I have to admit I chuckle every time I hear that, because honest to God, I’ve only been to the place maybe three, four times tops.
Crazy, right? You throw a few details about seaside boardwalks and Atlantic City into your lyrics and suddenly people start calling you Mr. New Jersey.
But let’s see, I was there twice in the ’70s, once in the ’80s, and then I think I passed through on my way to Pennsylvania a few years ago—that’s it. Which is not to say I don’t like the place. It seems okay from the little I’ve seen of it, but nothing special, you know? I’ve always been more of a sunshine and palm trees kind of guy myself.
You see, the whole New Jersey thing really started off by accident. Growing up the son of a cinematographer in a comfortably middle-class Los Angeles suburb, I didn’t know the first thing about the best drag-racing back roads on the Jersey Shore or the gritty factory towns up and down the New Jersey Turnpike. Back then I was too busy working on my tan and surfing every day to care about the economic struggles of union folk, let alone the crude, workaday laborers from northern New Jersey whom people seem to associate me with.
But that all started to change in the summer of 1972, the first time I ever stepped foot in the state. I was in Cherry Hill visiting my aunt, and something about a song I was writing at the time—one about riding my scooter through West Hollywood—just wasn’t clicking. Then it occurred to me: Why not set the thing right there in New Jersey? It seemed crazy at the time, but I figured what the hell.
On a whim I pulled out a map, picked some dinky road in the middle of the state, and half-jokingly scribbled, “At night we ride through mansions of glory in suicide machines / Sprung from cages out on Highway 9.” Those words later became “Born To Run.” Maybe you’ve heard it.
Man, it still cracks me up whenever anyone refers to that song as a “New Jersey anthem.”
After some more research, lyrics I’d written about Beverly Hills were changed to some backwater place called Freehold, Santa Monica Boulevard was switched to Thunder Road, and my dad’s agent Armand became Crazy Janey. Easy as pie. By the end of that weekend, I had cranked out enough material to fill both Darkness On The Edge Of Town and The River.
And let me tell you, all you have to do is mention any old ocean-side carnival ride or pull the name of one blue-collar bar out of the North Jersey Yellow Pages and New Jerseyans will lap it right up and claim you as one of their own. It’s kind of pathetic, actually.
Now I can’t go anywhere without people asking me things about New Jersey as if I were some sort of authority on the place. For the record: No, I don’t know the best place to eat in Asbury Park. I only named my first album after that city because I liked the way it sounded. No, I don’t know how the Devils are doing this season. No, I don’t know the fastest way to get from Long Branch to the Parkway.
Frankly, I don’t even know what the Parkway is.
As much fun as I’ve had with this whole Jersey thing, I have to admit I’m growing a little tired of it and am looking forward to delving into some new territory. In fact, I’ve got an album in mind about the everyday lives of theme park employees in the Orlando area. I’ve always loved that part of the country. The tropical breezes, the stucco houses—it really sums me up in a nutshell. So keep an eye out for Florida Dreaming in 2013.
I’ll be the first to admit that while I know little to nothing about New Jersey—aside from the fact that I sure as hell don’t want to live there—my career has gotten a lot of mileage out of the state. But I still can’t wipe the smile from my face when I think that millions of people will always picture me barreling down a Jersey Shore avenue in a vintage Chevy, windows down, the wind in my hair. Maybe I’ll try that someday if, for God knows what reason, I’m ever back in that part of the country. Like, if I have a long layover or something.
It’ll have to wait for a while, though. At least until someone teaches me how to drive.
Doowad
2-18 Molotov – Cerdo
Hardee's Introduces Shame Curtains For Customers To Eat Behind
ST. LOUIS—In response to extensive market research, fast food chain Hardee’s announced plans Tuesday to equip every table at its restaurants with its all-new “Shame Curtains,” large, dark drapes behind which menu items can be consumed in complete privacy. “We asked customers what we could do to improve their dining experience, and they said nothing would be better than finding a way to prevent them from making humiliating public spectacles of themselves as they enjoy Hardee’s classics like our two-thirds pound Monster Thickburger,” CEO Andrew Pudzer said during a press conference at which he demonstrated how to use the fully opaque, ceiling-to-floor Shame Curtains. “Once the double-Velcro closure is secure, you can consume your meal free from the recriminating glances and disgusted stares of your fellow patrons. And you don’t have to worry about feeling embarrassment in front of passersby, either, because we’ve decided to just go ahead and brick up all the windows.” Pending the success of the curtains, Hardee’s may experiment with subterranean tunnels that allow its restaurants to be entered from across the street.
Robert Song
2-19 Allan Sherman - The Twelve Gifts of Christmas
Mumford And Sons Can't Believe They All Got Each Other Mandolins For Christmas
LONDON—According to sources close to the English folk-rock quartet Mumford and Sons, the band’s members were surprised to discover during their annual Christmas gift exchange Wednesday that they had all gotten each other new mandolins. “I love my mandolin so much that I decided this was the year to introduce Ted [Dwane], Ben [Lovett], and Winston [Marshall] to this wonderful instrument,” said lead singer and guitarist Marcus Mumford, whose bandmates confirmed they each independently decided to buy each other mandolins with the exact same thought in mind. “To be honest, I thought at least some of the 12 mandolin-shaped packages would turn out to be banjos, dobros, or buzuqs when we unwrapped them. But I can’t say I’m disappointed when I think about the amazing sound we could create with this many mandolins.” Mumford added that the coincidence was at least an improvement over last year’s exchange, when each of the four musicians went home with three copies of the band’s debut EP, Love Your Ground.
Doowad
2-20 William Shatner - Hamlet-It Was a Very Good Year
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